you really fucking wrecked me, you asshole.
i put up with you breaking up with me time... after time... after time because you were unsure of yourself, of what you wanted, of whether you could hold your dick in your pants long enough to wait for me... of me...
you said horribly hurtful things to me when you were angry. you ripped me heart out time after time after fucking countless time and i still kept putting it back in your hands.
but you were it.
what we had, when it was good, it was the best fucking thing i've ever tasted and i'm fucking wrecked. now that i've had it i can't imagine living any other way.
you hurt me so bad.
i don't think you understand the level of trust and care i put in your hands... the delicate nature of everything we had together... and how a moment of anger from you was enough to rip it all apart.
it was like you were constantly contradicting yourself by telling me you loved me but then acting like such an asshole and throwing tantrums because i had friends for ONCE in our relationship and a job and a life... a life i was busy working towards putting ours together. you were too busy being afraid.
being afraid of everything that you thought you were... and maybe some of the things you actually were... when you were angry.
i do not regret sleeping with another man after you broke my heart with your angry words and broke up with me for the umpteenth time that month. after you hung up on me i spent hours crying and crying and wondering whether you'd call like you always did the next morning.
but this time felt different.
you were getting angrier and angrier with me.
i could feel us drifting.
i couldn't fix us alone and you wouldn't come clean with whatever it was that was bothering you.
you didn't trust me.
after nearly two and a half years of us, of everything, you didn't trust me. couldn't.
after countless nights of me trying to reassure, trying to PROVE myself to you... still. couldn't. trust. me.
i do not regret leaving you. i do not regret telling you the truth. i only regret that my heart knows what it knows and that it knows it's ruined.
i can't imagine relationships like ours come around very often.
i didn't try to kill myself because you told me i should, by the way. though i thought about it, and i still do.
there is a tiny piece of me that regrets hurting you the way i did. i knew it was the only way you wouldn't want me anymore. and i couldn't live with you hurting me and breaking our trust again and again by breaking up with me.
so the thousand heartbreaks you were spared, the tiny slivers that broke and slipped away with every angry, hurtful, bitter word that slipped from your tongue, the heart that died slowly was mine.
i think it's much easier to rip a bandaid off in a single pull.
i think the same for heartache, now.