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early mornings drizzled with requiems
for the dreams I didn't have
leave me hollow,
weightless,
and weighted
all at once.

the hollow resides in my bones -
I nestle my head in ungracious knees
and wrap
loose gripped arms around me.
but heat never finds me,
never graces my
weak spine with a kiss
and I ache.

my head is full of weightless
as words mull and lose their meaning.
and I write.
and I write.
but, flightless words look ugly
when they crash into my paper
after spilling from
empty bones.

and weighted eyes strain to see
fighting, blinking,
attempting to lure words with
strings that dangle fish hooks
down the back of my throat.

my voice is scarred, my eyes are tired,
and I wonder what they whisper
when they catch you in their stare.

because my brain is keeping secrets from me -
  I can't remember the dreams
  that bruise my womb
  and punch out my paper heart.

but when nightmares aren't separated
from dreams in your vocabulary,
maybe you deserve a mind
of deceit
and a heart with skipping beats
because you forgot to tie it down.
hmmm... not sure how i feel about this :dummy:

any feedback would be lovely....
edited
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:iconprettyflour:
Hey there!

Prettyflour here from :iconPoetcialCondition: with the critique you requested.

For me, this poem is dripping with emotion. The way you use hollow, weightless and weighted through out the piece brings an air of melancholy and sadness. I feel that the strong points here are vision and impact- the way you've put words together and the feel that those words bring are striking and unforgettable.

I also feel that this is high in originality- especially the formatting (fonts size and italics) towards the end of poem ( punch out and dreams being different makes them stand out and be noticed more than they would have had you kept them the same as the other words.

My only criticism would be that I would have liked to have seen more punctuation used. You use it in the first stanza but after that... it seemed to fizzle out. Punctuation can be a wonderful tool to help with the meter and flow of any poem, and I think this piece would benefit from more of it.

Overall, I very much enjoyed this, as I do most of your poetry. There were sections of this that gave me chills, such as:

and weighted eyes strain to see
fighting, blinking,
attempting to lure words with
strings that dangle fish hooks
down the back of my throat


The use of 'fish hooks down the back of my throat' is so visceral! It made me cringe a little, but in a good way.

I hope this was helpful and if you want to discuss, please feel free to reply.

Thanks and have a great night!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconnotensmsk:
Hello. I am from :iconpoeticalcondition: with my critique on this work.

It is quite a unique piece. I needed two reads to properly comprehend it and I certainly enjoyed it. The word usage is precise and decisive; it does not register at all if one just passes a gaze over them.

The expressions and the theme are both quite intriguing. I loved the start of the stanza with Requiems for dreams I didn't have" and the rest was quite wonderful as well, moving at a slow pace yet having a defined meaning. It was basically abstract rather than narrative and was a representation of the state of mind discussed in the work; as if loosely strung ideas were placing themselves to be able to register and let the work be something better than ugly (not to say that it looks ugly!)

The ending however didn't leave the impact it should have for me. It feels incomplete. The stanza starts well with the nightmare and dream comparison but the ending line feels that something should complete it.

There are other portions as well that left me wondering if it was proper English. "The hollow resides in my bones" is understandable but I wonder if the correct grammar is used. Then, "my head is full of weightless" also seems incomplete. I don't strictly stick to grammar so I pointed these out; they were able to give their meaning so there is no compulsion to work on them.

Over all quite a wonderful work. Keep writing!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been Featured in my journal!


:)
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(1 Reply)
:iconwhisperedinsanity:
WhisperedInsanity Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Student Writer
wow. this is so beautiful. You certainly have a way with words<3
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much >.< I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"the hollow resides in my bones -
I nestle my head in ungracious knees
and wrap
loose gripped arms around me
but heat never finds me
never graces my
weak spine with a kiss
and I ache"
<3
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle:
Reply
:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student General Artist
Oh. My. God. This is PHENOMENAL! I LOVE IT! I love the way you tie the threads from your first stanza all the way through the poem. Your word placement really helps draw attention to the words like deceit, which is cool, since deceit is normally subtle. It gives it this amazing cognitive dissonance that helps the reader infer the feeling of wrongness about the narrator. I'm really freaking out about this right now. You amaze me!
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You amaze me! <3 (and slightly inflate my ego, which I admit, I needed today)... :tighthug:
Reply
:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student General Artist
Oh any time! :glomp: And thank you!
Reply
:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012
"and a heart with skipping beats
because you forgot to tie it down"

Love that part, and the beginning:

"early mornings drizzled with requiems
for the dreams I didn't have
and the hours I didn't sleep
leave me hollow,
weightless,
and weighted
all at once"

is good, but I have to admit that I almost wish you had stopped at,
"early mornings drizzled with requiems
for the dreams I didn't have"

and then maybe skipped the next line and finished with the rest. Sort of like, being stuck in a reverie because you never slept to begin with, and the lack of rest leaves you feeling stuck. I hope you don't hate me for tearing apart your first stanza, it's just that I liked that part so much.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And... you're always welcome to tear apart my work (=

I consider it an honor <3
Reply
:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
You're too sweet.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
nonsense :tighthug:
Reply
:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
:huggle:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
that's good... i think i will cut out that line <3 thank you dear!
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:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
Only if you want, though, I mean it's not up to me to say what your poem is supposed to mean. :) <3
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
well the first three lines originally were the influence for the poem but I think you're right (=
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:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
BTW, just so you know, if I ever make a suggestion it's only made with the best intentions and you should feel free to ignore at will. :D I'm pretty sensitive about critiques myself, I admit, so I'm extra-aware that even well-meant advice can at times be hurtful. I wish I wasn't like that, but there ya have it.
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I try not to let critiques eat at me. I'm more than happy to listen to advice and ignore it if I don't like it. I know your advice is given with the best intention and that you care about me and want to see me grow as a writer. You're always welcome to give me advice. (=
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:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
:) I wish I was as healthy as you about this. lol
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Lol. I don't know if it's because I'm "healthy". More so, I think it's because I think I suck XD!
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(1 Reply)
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