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Submitted on
December 27, 2012
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early mornings drizzled with requiems
for the dreams I didn't have
leave me hollow,
weightless,
and weighted
all at once.

the hollow resides in my bones -
I nestle my head in ungracious knees
and wrap
loose gripped arms around me.
but heat never finds me,
never graces my
weak spine with a kiss
and I ache.

my head is full of weightless
as words mull and lose their meaning.
and I write.
and I write.
but, flightless words look ugly
when they crash into my paper
after spilling from
empty bones.

and weighted eyes strain to see
fighting, blinking,
attempting to lure words with
strings that dangle fish hooks
down the back of my throat.

my voice is scarred, my eyes are tired,
and I wonder what they whisper
when they catch you in their stare.

because my brain is keeping secrets from me -
  I can't remember the dreams
  that bruise my womb
  and punch out my paper heart.

but when nightmares aren't separated
from dreams in your vocabulary,
maybe you deserve a mind
of deceit
and a heart with skipping beats
because you forgot to tie it down.
hmmm... not sure how i feel about this :dummy:

any feedback would be lovely....
edited
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:iconprettyflour:
Hey there!

Prettyflour here from :iconPoetcialCondition: with the critique you requested.

For me, this poem is dripping with emotion. The way you use hollow, weightless and weighted through out the piece brings an air of melancholy and sadness. I feel that the strong points here are vision and impact- the way you've put words together and the feel that those words bring are striking and unforgettable.

I also feel that this is high in originality- especially the formatting (fonts size and italics) towards the end of poem ( punch out and dreams being different makes them stand out and be noticed more than they would have had you kept them the same as the other words.

My only criticism would be that I would have liked to have seen more punctuation used. You use it in the first stanza but after that... it seemed to fizzle out. Punctuation can be a wonderful tool to help with the meter and flow of any poem, and I think this piece would benefit from more of it.

Overall, I very much enjoyed this, as I do most of your poetry. There were sections of this that gave me chills, such as:

and weighted eyes strain to see
fighting, blinking,
attempting to lure words with
strings that dangle fish hooks
down the back of my throat


The use of 'fish hooks down the back of my throat' is so visceral! It made me cringe a little, but in a good way.

I hope this was helpful and if you want to discuss, please feel free to reply.

Thanks and have a great night!
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconnotensmsk:
Hello. I am from :iconpoeticalcondition: with my critique on this work.

It is quite a unique piece. I needed two reads to properly comprehend it and I certainly enjoyed it. The word usage is precise and decisive; it does not register at all if one just passes a gaze over them.

The expressions and the theme are both quite intriguing. I loved the start of the stanza with Requiems for dreams I didn't have" and the rest was quite wonderful as well, moving at a slow pace yet having a defined meaning. It was basically abstract rather than narrative and was a representation of the state of mind discussed in the work; as if loosely strung ideas were placing themselves to be able to register and let the work be something better than ugly (not to say that it looks ugly!)

The ending however didn't leave the impact it should have for me. It feels incomplete. The stanza starts well with the nightmare and dream comparison but the ending line feels that something should complete it.

There are other portions as well that left me wondering if it was proper English. "The hollow resides in my bones" is understandable but I wonder if the correct grammar is used. Then, "my head is full of weightless" also seems incomplete. I don't strictly stick to grammar so I pointed these out; they were able to give their meaning so there is no compulsion to work on them.

Over all quite a wonderful work. Keep writing!
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been Featured in my journal!


:)
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