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Literature by e-maginings

Stories by dancingdawn62


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Submitted on
December 7, 2012
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silence binds us in this faithful dance
children watching butterflies
our eyes smile -
through closed lips

your pulse flutters in your neck
while your muscles tense, pulling me to you

your heart latches to mine
just as the others it's tried
with so many ill attempts

your breath on my neck numbs my pain
as the thread pulls our pulp together
and i fasten it with kisses of
a butterfly's persuasion
gentle -
being careful not to aggravate the bruises

with the mirrors of your eyes
you hear chasteness humming in my
soul's refrain as each i-love-you
rips across my eyelashes and into sewn strings
plucking out our sweetly bitter symphony

                - and that's when you sing
with each tear joining my delicate strums
sparking together, our hearts jolt
full of life
because sometimes everything looks peaceful when it's being ripped apart and rebuilt

prompt: [link]

edited

------------
so many prompts, so few titles - suggestions?
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Breathtaking at least.
The choice of words and line lengths is original, to start. I enjoyed these. I always find pleasure with writers/poets with similar inclinations to mine. The total arrangement was very charming and a worthy read. Regarding length, I noticed that your stanza formation reflected your attention(?) and desire, which is always the inclination of a poet. You mentioned "silence" in the first line, so I wondered that it may determine the length and subject of this piece. The first fur lines were very charming as a beginning. The description of hearts and pulses was exciting. As to the remainder, it was nothing short of exciting. Well-done!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
So. Pretty. :)
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:icondancingdawn62:
dancingdawn62 Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow. This is beautiful - stunning. Imaginative and very well-written. Congrats on doing a great job. :)
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! <3
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:icondancingdawn62:
dancingdawn62 Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. =)
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I do feel a great and calm effort behind this work and the imagery you have chosen to weave into it. Normally, when people see "love poems", they dismiss them. In this case, though, you have done an excellent job of keeping the reader's interest by keeping the reading intriguing.

If I may offer a few points:

2nd line, 1st stanza- it flows better without "like". We're mature readers, and we'll know that you're making an analogy to children watching butterflies and not actually discussing them as the subject.

1st line, 2nd stanza- ask yourself if you need "and I feel". If you just say "your pulse flutters in your neck" it already implies that you, the speaker, are feeling the pulse because there's no other way you'd know it was happening.

Generally, I feel like you've got a lot of talent wrapped up in this one, but you're not secure in yourself as a writer yet.

Take off the training wheels of words such as "like" and this poem will balance and go forth on its own. Trust me.

Nice worth, I am very, very impressed!
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the feedback and the prompt and for being so wonderful. (=
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'll take credit for the first two - the last one is a matter of opinion. :)

;)
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug:
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:iconatlantic-lungs:
atlantic-lungs Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Writer
This is so beautiful!
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