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Title Poem by Nichrysalis

DDs Featured by BeccaJS


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Submitted on
December 12, 2012
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988 bytes
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(Contains: sexual themes)
I was crafted for touch -
purposeful indentations left
to be filled with needing fingers,
starving mouth, and
wanting flesh

I-
puzzle of skin,
ache to be pieced
and discovered
with all of my riddler's
mysteries

my eyes, full of
ferocious "please"
wide and speckled,
pull towards light
begging it to blind me
from all inadequacies
in every hollow piece
destined for my being

scrupulous ears
press against your lips
urging release
of careful breath
never before -
earmark now seen

sweet nexus, remedy, key -
promising salve to unhinge me
and arms to hedge me;
you've unraveled me

I nest in oaths,
images of sheltering eyes,
and the knowing I too
am your crux

together -
now whole
comments and feedback are always welcome~


written for :iconsovereignsin:
you know me better than anyone has or will
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-02-24
why we're made with holes by *Hfeather53 ( Suggested by alapip and Featured by BeccaJS )
:iconmattvoscinar:
Hello Heather, good to see another piece from you. I moved this into DA-Poets critique folder because while this piece has amazing vision, there are things that can be done to make read more fluidly, make it more crisp, and make it more poignant. I feel with some edits that this could be a wonderful addition to the featured folder.

Stanza 1: I would consider removing the word "wanting." The rest punches, but all of the adjectives kind of shout at the reader by that work. Removing it would make the reading more concise and allow you to end on a one word line, which I am a fan of.

Stanza 2: I'm not sure why you started the stanza with a fragment. I would add an "A" before puzzle so that it reads grammatically. While grammar can be ousted in poems, there's really no reason for it here. I also don't understand "riddler's mystery."

Stanza 3: I want to ask a question: "Please" what? I think adding here rather than omitting would add clarity to the piece. I would also remove "hollow." It makes it a more powerful line.

Stanza 4: Again, not sure why the fragment. Place an "an" in front of earmark.

Stanza 5: I would omit the second line. It sounds like too much to me with the eye description and such.

Stanza 6: I would personally omit this. Being someone's crux
is enough to end this poem on (as is the fantastic stanza) and helps you avoid what is a highly overused phrase.

Remember, these are only suggestions. It is YOUR decision to change these parts and yours alone. Cheers!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
31 out of 40 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconmrcbax:
mrcbax Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is some lovely work, I enjoyed it much, thank you for sharing :)
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thank you (=
Reply
:iconmrcbax:
mrcbax Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome, hope you have a great morning :)
Reply
:iconthe-solimnludic:
the-solimnludic Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I just want to say I've always loved the idea of puzzle pieces...and things like that.

Here is my mini constructive-criticism: One thing I'm not sure of, what does the "never before - " pertain to in stanza #4? And besides for maybe putting an "an" in front of "earmark", and perhaps omitting "images of sheltering eyes", I do not agree with the critique you've been given. The overused "together - now whole" is essential for the impact of this piece, in my opinion. I see an image of two bodies fitting into each other as intricately as a lock into its keyhole. I saw other people say "hole to whole" which I didn't catch at first. Love wordplay like that.

How you sort of merged the puzzles, riddles, holes..with this theme of sex is ingenious. This sort of answers the question, "why is it so natural to feel sexual desire?"

I just love the organic and very poetical presentation of this piece.

Absolutely congratulations on the Daily Deviation!
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. Never before was kind of meant for both what went before and after... it's a very personal piece and was written for someone special and there's meaning behind that part in particular (:
Reply
:iconthe-solimnludic:
the-solimnludic Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
You're very welcome.

Ah, I see. I won't question it then. C:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, no it's fine... I was basically referring to not liking the idea of my ears being touched or messed with... they're really sensitive... and for the first time ever, it feels like someone understands me and accepts me for who I am. Dunno if that helps?
Reply
:iconthe-solimnludic:
the-solimnludic Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Oh. I see...interesting, yeah, it helped!
Reply
:iconskyeyedangel:
skyeyedangel Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2013
wow you have done such a good job here im very impressed
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's sweet of you. Thank you.
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, wow...nice work!
And congrats on the DD!! (:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much!
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
A pleasure, dear. :)
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconsupertighthugplz:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013   General Artist
Congratulations on the DD, darling! :love:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you beautiful lady <3
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013   General Artist
most welcome gorgeous woman <3 <3 <3
Reply
:iconorzephlen:
Orzephlen Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is beautiful.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you think so (=
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
Lovely lovely lovely, Heather. :hug:
And congratulations on the Daily D feature. :heart:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :D
Reply
:icondlchoate:
dlchoate Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
this is beautiful, and it was a brave thing to let the world in like that. i applaud you.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much. sometimes i wonder (with some of my other poems) if it's bravery or naivety ;)
Reply
:iconperfling:
Perfling Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student General Artist
It's poems like this - and poets like you - that truly inspire me. Poets are the ultimate artists. :)
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much! i'm glad you enjoyed it! i'm always thrilled when my work is an inspiration to others <3
Reply
:iconperfling:
Perfling Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconalapip:
alapip Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
a DD, Heather! well deserved... :nod:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :hug:
Reply
:iconmoonpath:
MoonPath Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I can honestly say that I really enjoyed reading this. It is a very good piece and I really like the way it's written
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much! i'm glad you enjoyed it :)
Reply
:iconmoonpath:
MoonPath Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Anytime
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student General Artist
Congrats on the DD!
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student General Artist
Welcome. ^^
Reply
:iconwingdiamond:
WingDiamond Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
Sounds like Ike Turner's "Holes" theory of life.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i wasn't familiar with it until just now when i googled it :dummy:
Reply
:iconwingdiamond:
WingDiamond Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
:giggle: You know he must've been coked out of his mind when he thought of it!
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i wasn't coked out D8
Reply
:iconwingdiamond:
WingDiamond Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
I was talkin' bout Ike.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i know, i was just making sure you knew i wasn't coked out when i wrote this :noes:
Reply
:iconwingdiamond:
WingDiamond Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013
:iconiggypopplz::iconsaysplz: I maybe straight ... But I still think :iconstonedplz: thoughts! (actual quote)
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
lol!
Reply
:iconriseandbe:
RiseandBe Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is positively breathtaking! Congrats on the DD, you deserve it!
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much, dear! i was quite surprised (=
Reply
:iconriseandbe:
RiseandBe Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
=D I bet! :heart:
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student General Artist
So true. We are made with holes so we can find another person who fills those holes and be whole. Neither of us are whole without the other.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i agree. it's nice to not feel so empty now. (=
Reply
:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
Congrats on the DD, sweetheart!
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you, love! :huggle:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
Congrats on the DD, love! :heart:
Reply
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